#but it's only abt dark intense stuff

[jrueships]

the monthly apathy is back, rlly sorry if i said smthing to u and then u say smthing back and i don't respond for like a thousand years only to spam u after it passes and then u respond bcs ure awesome and i go on an unspoken vow of silence for yet another thousand years and the cycle just continues

[ajdrawshq]

hi . i (mostly) finished the game. if u couldnt tell

[double--blind]

(SPOILERS) Ashley, self-esteem, and starvation

So, I adore Ashley. She's this intensely toxic, vicious, cruel, manipulative girl, and her psychology gives me hella brainworms. Andrew's not the only one whose head I wanna crack open and root around lol. She's thrown away the world just to keep her brother by her side, and she'll continue to do worse and worse for the same reason. She's pretty awful! I've been thinking about why, though. How did things get so bad? How did her soul get so dark?

We don't know everything (I'm waiting for those new eps patiently aND CLAWING AT THE WALLS AND FROTHING AT THE MOUTH but whatevs y'know whatevs I'm normal. I'm fine), yet what information we have been given is bumping around my brain like a DVD screensaver on hyperdrive

It's clear from the start that the roots of Ashley's issues lie in her horrible, neglectful upbringing, but it's hinted that even those outside of her family felt the same abt her. I'm lowkey even betting we'll learn later on that she was ostracized by her peers somehow. However, what's most disconcerting, I believe, is how little she was when the results of this alienation are first made apparent to us (bc kids aren't dumb; they notice this stuff oftentimes instinctively, impossibly young, before they even know what it means to be hated), and how devastating the consequences were.

(There's something decidedly childish abt her dream sequence in the "questionable" route—filled with crayon scribbles and rabbit plushies, the metaphors simplistic yet profound—which really hammers in how these sentiments are things that have made a home in her since childhood. Formative subconscious truths.)

Growing up unloved and noticeably unwanted by virtually everyone around her likely left her with a gaping hole in her heart that she'd spend the rest of her life trying to fill. She'd make friends, but she'd always worry that they'd leave her, that they'd betray her, nothing tangible or weighted enough in their connection to trust in its persistence. Why should she expect otherwise? Not even being bound by familial ties ensures affection if her parents are any indication.

Every lesson she'd ever learned had always taught her this: you are easy to abandon. You cannot love and be loved by virtue of your own worth.

You have to rip their affection from their clenched hands if you want it so bad.

This understanding carries with it an undercurrent of degradation, instilling within Ashley a constant, biting inferiority complex which will never fail to be a source of insecurity. She will always be put last. She was difficult to raise, so her parents gave up on raising her. She was difficult to get along with, so her friends gave up on getting along with her.

It's an odd cycle. She's difficult bc she needs to be to get attention, but bc she's difficult, she can't keep it. Not without having whatever fondness she's managed to cultivate within someone fray at the seams, volatile and prone to collapse, bleeding toxicity.

Hence, her relationship w/Andrew.

By being the only reliable constant in her life, caring for her and keeping her company, Andrew essentially became her only source of happiness, and she's since learned not to bother with anyone else. Still, it's dangerous to keep all your eggs in one basket; since he is all she has, she must protect her place in his life with even greater ferocity, which becomes a torturous ordeal when coupled with her damaged self-esteem.

It's apparent in her quarrels with Andrew that she needs constant reassurance that she is wanted in some capacity or perceived in some positive light (getting pouty when Andrew says he's "stuck with her", needing to hear that she's pretty, needing him to "choose her", wanting him to say he loves her back, etc. etc.), yet her insecurity remains, bc unlike her, he's got options. She doesn't think he needs her like she needs him. He's got a gf, their parents love him, her friends love him. Why would he settle for her? What if someone better comes along? Someone she can't scare away?

Wouldn't he just leave her like everyone else?

Even before getting locked in the coffin of their apartment, starvation's been a constant theme in Ashley's life. She's constantly aching for love, and Andrew's the only one who can feed her. When you're forced to fight for a bite to eat or suffer every moment you hunger, you become ravenous—covetous—when faced with food; you don't want the hunger to return, so you lock down the source of your sustenance, wary of its retreat. Ashley's in a permanent state of intense insecurity, always anxious that the love that gives her life will leave her.

Andrew knows Ashley better than anyone else in the world, and it's obvs to everyone and him how desperate Ashley is for him, but I don’t think Andrew has truly, consciously processed the depth of that desperation. It's there buried in his head somewhere no doubt, but rn, he doesn't operate w/the direct awareness that he is everything. He is brother, mother, friend, and soulmate. He is life and love, air and water, everything that is good in the world—everything that there is to justify existence.

It's heartbreaking, in a way, that it's so difficult for Andrew to convince her of his loyalty. This goes further than his tendency to hide his true feelings, bc when push comes to shove, he's at her beck and call. Objectively, he's hers. She doesn't see that bc all she sees is all the ways she can lose him.

So, she gets bratty. She gets pushy, possessive, territorial. Manipulative. Gets under his skin, guilts him to exhaustion, bc she can't see him staying any other way, bc he doesn't get it, bc it works. He bends to her will, for her sake. For now. It's always "for now", bc he'll start slipping away again, and then it'll get worse. She does worse.

Becomes worse.

[somewhereincairparavel]

🐚 Daughter of Neptune headcanons list 🌊 part one..

Note: I've never done a pjo hcs post like this with the aesthetic pictures and everything- but I've been Itching to make a daughter of Neptune one, since I consider myself as a Neptune child. So this is sort of a self insert haha, and I thought it'd fun cuz I have so many hcs abt this, I've only over seen ppl do a daughter of Poseidon one.

Also this one has reader x Jason Grace as romantic pairings, but it isn't the main focus. Like I said, this is a self insert, and I love my bb jason ;) + imagine having Percy as a big brother, goals fr

• Okay so you'd come to Camp Jupiter at the age of 8-9, so you definitely have a considerable amount of childhood before you came to camp. Which only made it harder for you to adapt to the barbaric ways the Roman camp worked.

• Also, Since Neptune was not a very respected Roman god, your arrival was considered bad luck. Octavian made you go through an intense trial (that motherfucker was like 10 years old and an augur, and was already such a bitch lol) + forced a newly elected praetor Reyna (who was also just 10 at the time) to hold a senate meeting before you were even offered a position at camp.

• Neptune is very feared by the romans though, since he represented the harsh brutality of the ocean, so you got the Roman Nico di Angelo treatment from camp. Everyone was scared of you, flinched when you walked passed them. this was to your advantage tho, since you never got bullied, mostly out of fear.

• so Neptune temples in Camp Jupiter are only taken care of by you, if you left for a quest or something then the shrines would be in such a horrible state, bc no one cares enough to offer Neptune anything or even clean up his shrine. You'd do the cleaning and offering.

• and the worst part? Your dad wouldn't even notice you even after your efforts.

• okay, your powers are quite similar to Percy's butt I feel like since Roman/Greek siblings always have powers that compliment eachother, you'd have better control over the earthly side of the domain. Like you can cause longer earthquakes, control seismic waves, and make volcanos erupt + cause bigger avalanches, Stuff like that.

• Your water control was actually a little limited, up until Percy arrived and helped you enhance your powers. And you helped enhance his control over earthquakes, since his earthquakes usually only lasted for a few seconds, his dad is more water dominant. So when you met him, you knew he was a missing puzzle piece in your life. You'd even be able to communicate telepathically to Percy underwater, a power you both never knew you needed.

• Seriously tho it would be hilarious to look at, bc to the others, you both sound like squeaky dolphins but in reality you are just telepathically speaking with one another. The others wouldn't understand, and poor Frank would be so confused as to why you both are making strangled fish noises

Leo would troll you guys so bad for this lol

• your eyes would actually be black. Not blue, not sea green, just black. Your eyes would literally glitter like black obsidian rocks. because Poseidon is the calm side of ocean, hence sea green eyes for Percy, Neptune is the dark and scary side of the ocean, so that's black eyes for you. that difference would clearly reflect in your guys's eye colours AND personality (I'll expand on this more in part 2)

• but your scariness comes with a downside, you had no friends. No friends, except Jason and Reyna. it's just your dad's naturally strict aura surrounding you that makes your overall personality a Lil grumpy and moody tbh. You did have such a resting bitch face that wasn't helping either.

• Jason, being the noble boy he was, knew you were going to be his friend the moment you made a dramatic entrance to camp for the first time, getting scouted by the waves to New Rome. He knew what it was like to have a powerful, scary dad, but he acknowledged and empathized that you had it harder than he did. He was considered a golden boy, while you were considered a scary bad luck charm. But regardless of that, Jason was your first best friend. And eventually, your boyfriend.

• Reyna on the other hand, badly wanted to befriend you because she admired your mental strength, you were 9 years old and you were openly scoffed at by the legionnaires simply because your father was a scary man. Yet you handled it all so well. But she befriended you a little later than Jason did. Since she was so busy, she barely had any time to chat with anyone. You, Jason and Reyna bonded as a trio when you guys had your first quest.

• Reyna secretly shipped you and Jason from the very beginning lol, bc a Jupiter x Neptune union? Y'all were powerful and cute af together. The mutual pining drives her crazy though, like kiss already smh.

• Also, Nicknames! Your nickname was ALWAYS "kelp head" because your hair was wavy and shaped like seaweed lol. As much as you hated to admit it, the name fit a little too well.

• okay enough with the friendship stuff, let's talk about how much that bastard Octavian makes it his mission to make your life a hellhole. It isn't even funny anymore, he hated you from the very beginning. Not only because you were considered bad luck, it's because he envied that you were a direct descendant of such a powerful God, he couldn't even handle Jason's arrival, yours was just the last straw for him. He opposes your opinions in front of the whole senate + prevents you from getting elected as Centurion + attempts to prevent you from going on quests, bc he can't handle someone else taking the glory.

• He was also the reason you were put into the unpopular twelfth legion. The underdog legion. But Jason? That sweetheart made it worth being in the twelfth legion so you weren't complaining tbh.

• honestly? Octavian and you are famous in camp for your bickering though lol it's just always a back and forth between you and him, such burning rivalry and enmity. You LOVED roasting him and you were fucking great at it too. He deserved that for making you go though hell. You'd laugh like a maniac when he trips and he smirks when has the upper hand against you in senate discussions.

• Reyna is the only reason you both didn't beat eachother up at this point tbh

• once, Reyna came running up to you all panicky because Octavian went missing from camp. In response, you beamed and told her that you'd get the balloons ready in the dining hall for a grand celebration. Jason would burst out laughing lol.

• you'd steal his teddy bears and give them to younger campers, asking them to hide it from octavian. So the younger campers absolutely adore you, unlike the older ones.

• you are also quite the rebel in camp, JUST like Octavian predicted you would be, when you first came to camp. It was actually written in his auguries that the new child of Neptune arrival would be always shafting the rules, since the sea can't be controlled. It's in a nature for a Neptune child to walk their own pace (lol have you seen Percy??) That gave another reason for him to hate you.

• Even some of the lares in CJ would call you an abnormal roman bc you never acted like one. You were wild and temperamental.

This rule breaking tendency you had did earn you lots of punishments that included scrubbing the whole camp with a toothbrush. But it was worth it for you. Camp Jupiter sucked. And you were already in trouble, so what's a little more, right?

• you'd sneak out at night to explore New Rome, because again, the Romans had this weird bedtime curfew like. they have rules for every. Fucking. Thing. It pissed you off so bad. They wouldn't even let you explore the city at night? They were seriously wasting the beauty of the city, You'd definitely rope Jason in to break the rules with you. Like don't be such a goody two shoes smh. I feel like that's what attracted him to you in the first place. He's a goody goody boy with such a boring life, youd just make it interesting for him.

• besides, sneaking out is SO much easier when you can fly. So Jason is your personal airplane. The Jason Grace airlines.

• okay so after all your hardwork in the legion, you'd finally get elected to Centurion, after you successfully finished a quest to retrieve a lost Roman artifact, which was formerly Jason's position and he would become a co praetor with Reyna. But you were still very much disrespected in camp tbh, it just became an internalised thing for everyone to hate you at this point, Octavian was also great at putting your reputation under dirt, but you didn't really care anymore.

• now here comes the catch, Jason and you were sort of in a half-pining half-relationship situation, Before that jerk goes missing. because neither of you knew how to confess, and camp was SO strict when it came to relationships for some reason?? Like even dating has to be lowkey.

• you and Jason are totally the grumpy x sunshine trope lol except you're the grumpy, snippy and batshit one and jason is calm, levelheaded and optimistic one.

Perfect balance. Gosh your dynamic would be so cute :(

• you'd just be grumpily stomping around while jason stalks behind you, laughing lightly. You're super short compared to him aswell, so yeah it makes it funnier.

• You were in charge of welcoming Hazel to camp, since Jason and Reyna had some serious meeting stuff about the new prophecy Octavian told them about.

• poor hazel would be scared to death while meeting you, not just bc it's you, it's bc she just came back from the dead, so this is all rlly new for her.

• That's where you met him. Nico di Angelo. You'd bond over your shared mistreatment in camp. So you became homies w him fairly quickly. He saw you as this cool big sister he could have happy meals with talking abt life.

• you would be a little curious when he keeps disappearing off to somewhere tho, you knew he was lying about where he came from.

Okay part 1 of this is done, this was so long lol, part 2 would drop later, that's where you and Percy meet and stuff.

Update: part two is out! https://www.tumblr.com/somewhereinhogsmeade/746489087922520064/daughter-of-neptune-headcanons-list-part-two?source=share

[hvman-scvm]

Hi, I heard you were taking requests. Do you write for Krüeger (cod) by any chance? If so, do you have any headcannons Yandere Krüeger x male military reader and how such a relationship might work out?

I do !! :) I didn’t mean 4 this 2 b so short but studying squeezed all the creativity out my brain

!! CW ;; typical yandere stuff, krueger is a bit manipulative, I went by the traditional / og meaning of yandere !!

🔪— yandere ! Krueger who, unlike lots of other yanderes, needed some time for his obsession to flow. It started when your units were sent on a mission 2gether and naturally, he gravitated 2wards the unit’s leader; you.

🔪— he treats you like you belong to him, even if you aren’t in a romantic relationship yet, because he decided you belong to him the moment he felt the nauseating feeling of lovesickness in his guts.

🔪— a relationship would b so hard because of your busy schedules, and he despises it. He’s highly considered kidnapping you but paranoia crept up on him, making him worry abt all the possibilities of you getting hurt while he’s away on deployment.

🔪— he’s always hovering over you when he can, scaring away any potential recruits tht might get a little too brave w you. And even if they did, this sets a target on their head.

🔪— he’s a very straightforward man, and he straight up told you how he felt; no matter if you accept or not, you’re his. This man is not afraid 2 lyk tht he’ll kill 4 you (and he prob did)

🔪— can b cruel and manipulative; lovebombing you, feeding you paranoid thoughts tht others are after you and only he is capable of protecting you, gaslighting you in2 thinking tht his obsession is your fault. But he won’t hurt you physically, you aren’t one of his enemies, you don’t deserve tht. Unless, yk, you like being hurt then he’s more than happy 2 oblige.

🔪— if you accept his love, as intense and insane it is, it wld b easier 4 you then if you didn’t; he’s not afraid 2 use force. You will love him. Doesn’t matter how much manipulation he has to use, or how many rivals he has 2 kill, he will have you. And by openly accepting him before it gets to tht point, you spare yourself a whole psychological battle between you and him.

🔪— not the jealous type, but he’s extremely possessive, and is very open about it.

🔪— like I said in one of the previous HCs, a relationship w him wld b hard bcuz of you two’s job. He’s alway sending you letters tht may or may not b stained w some blood whenever one or the both of you are deployed, and expects you 2 send letters back giving exact details on yourself, like your location and mental being, etc.

🔪— once both of you are free, he makes you cuddle w him. Like, bro just wraps his strong ass arms around you and keeps you in place so tht you can’t move a muscle.

🔪— it’s a possibility tht he’d use trackers on you, especially since he can’t keep an eye on you w your schedules n all.

🔪— uses force 2 get his way, whether it’s physical or not.

🔪— uses your fears against you and then disguises himself as your “savior” 2 get you 2 b reliant on him. As in, he’d put ypu in situations where you’re faced w your fears and come 2 your rescues. Doesn’t matter how irrational or bad the fear is. Scared of the dark ? You get trapped in a dark closet after “some rookie” pushed you in, only 4 Sebastian 2 come help you out. Scared of dying ? Your unit is killed off one by one by a “sniper” and you get fatally shot due 2 a lack of coverage, luckily Sebastian has came 2 cover you and practically saved your life. Scared of bugs ? Suddenly a lot more seem 2 appear in your room, and (rather suspiciously) Sebastian seems 2 b always around 2 kill them 4 you. At the end he’d always remind you in his thick, German accent tht you need him around, etc.

[valkyrieres]

Putting notes abt Valkyrie here bc it'll be easier to find than if I put it in my notes app dnshjshshs (would revise later)

I need to make a proper drawing of her later sjdhjdhdjdhdb 😭 ok the rant continues below

In my hc, there r vehicles that r naturally born from their parents (yes they can have sex shut up) and those who r built for certain reasons or for mass production (just like cold construction in Transformers)

S-70's variants (Firehawk, Seahawk, Pavehawk, Jayhawk, etc) are part of the latter. They were built based on Blackhawks' DNAs, and built into bodies/forms that fits their manufacturing reasons(?)

Once built, the manufacturer would expect them to adjust into maturity ASAP, since unlike normal vehicles who go through the childhood phase etc, they were built for specific reasons and are expected to start working in less than a year

They'd be put through intense training etc in special facilities based on their models

Valkyrie is one of the Firehawks, built with additional equipments for firefighting+SAR (night vision equipments, heat sensors for SAR reasons, built-in water tank+extended landing gear, rescue hoist, cargo hook, water pump to get water from lakes, infrared, weather radar, etc) (these r actually included in Firehawks irl so I'm not making these up other than the heat sensors)

She spends a year of training in the facility along with other Firehawks, several Jayhawks that were going to be released to Coast Guard, and a Blackhawk that were undergoing a training to be a Navy SAR.

They had developed sibling-like relationship with each other, but they weren't aware of the term until the Blackhawk explained abt it.

These helos r completely and painfully innocent/clueless bc their life had been revolving around firefighting lol. The trainers r so strict. No fiction books/movies/etc, no communicating with the outside world, no going outta the training facility, etc

They were basically raised to be the firefighting aircrafts to be sent out in rougher situations when other aircrafts can't fly, and they've been told to not get attached to anyone, mentally nor physically, bcs getting KIA (killed in action) is common in firefighting.

The Firehawks still developed siblings bonds tho (⁠◡⁠ ⁠ω⁠ ⁠◡⁠)✨ they can only act laid-back around each other dbjsjdkdj

This causes Valkyrie to feel foreign/weird when it comes to receiving affection, but she started pampering others with love etc after the Blackhawk showed her some of his novels in secret 😋

After getting certified, Valkyrie and the others got stationed to CalFire, assisting the intense fire season around the area.

The higher-ups kinda fucked up and made several Firehawks keep on working on a huge wildfire in nighttime with close to zero visibility

Their heat sensors, night vision equipments, and GPS r basically useless in that situation so they can't locate each others' position

Valkyrie and another Firehawk accidentally crashed onto each other

Yea basically it traumatized her

The crash caused her to get anxious to fly in the dark without her night vision equipments, and she'd turn on her heat sensors 24/7, day and night, out of anxiety

She can't stand crowded places/airspaces bcs of this since the numerous heat signs would overwhelm her system, causing sensory overload

After the fire that burnt the whole Piston Peak National Park happened, the higher-ups sent her to assist the PPAA, deeming her a good choice since she'll have less sensory overloads there

Imma shorten it up and she basically developed a semi-romantic relationship with Blade, no intense stuff tho

It's the type of relationship u go through bc u feel comfy around each other? Just cuddling, sharing ur stories and past, doing stuff together, supporting each other. No sexual stuff and they barely flirt with each other bc both of them aren't used to it???

Valkyrie would do night patrols with her equipments on until 3-ish am, sleep until 5 or 6 am, and steal some naps whenever there's no fire nor work to be done (with Blade's permission)

She'd do stunts while doing water drops (sideslips, loops, etc) for fun as long as Blade didn't notice her (he actually did, but she did her job and there was no casualties so he keeps his mouth shut)

She listens to Japanese rock songs until she discovered romantic songs, and she'd sing them for Blade bcs she's bad with her own words when it comes to showing him how much she loves him 😭 (she only sings in front of Blade tho, she's too shy to do it in front of the others)

She has been having a hard time trying to not get attached to Blade bc she doesn't want either of them to get hurt if one of them dies

She'd secretly go into Blade's hangar after her night patrols for a short cuddle and quick nuzzles

Blade would do the same whenever she takes naps

(tbc)

Nicknames from Blade: Hotshot (she's good at her job but takes risks too often), Val/Valk

She's a sweetheart yet swears a lot (just like a firefighter I used to befriend irl)

[kaleidosouls]

random text post of day #

been watching creepcast more or less since the first/second episode and after latest i keep wanting to talk to ppl abt my thoughts and im tired of trying to engage with other youtube comments / i dont wanna keep bothering my spouse with this plus id want to talk to other ppl who are viewers but dhkdhfk im gonna rant behind the cut; tw animal death/violence, child abuse

gonna rant assuming readers is also a viewer cause too tired to explain, sorry. this is just “stuff id want to chat with fellow fans of the poscast but i dont have friends who watch it, and the youtube comments suck for the most part and id rather be turned inside out than login to reddit”, like i did end up using rhe comment section way toomuch already, jm tired and its like 3% normal ppl and 97% dicks and assholes with bully disorder

like it was a big enlightening to just properly label things last night at last and process the feelings and situation. this is jsut a podcast with isaiah bullying his cohost hunter (“as a joke”) and the fans at large are people who enjoying bullying snd find it funny, and try to bully commenters who disrupt their “fun”, trting to discret and demean them as friendless parasocial losers for not playing along the theater of mockery and treating it as socially acceptable.

like its one thing to tease between friends and make dark jokes, its another thing to repeatedly, insistently, laugh at your friend for being traumatized as a child by violent animal death? like. its like i get that initially he was just really baffled at the event like haha oh my god did that happened thats so fucked up (which is annoyingly normie in its own way like yeah dude, none of us have control over fucked up shit happening to us as children, like he makes such a spectacle about it like its this earth shattering thing). like its tragic and a big deal but like wrt trauma its usually safe to be on the level that the person with the trauma is setting, if theyre talkinf about it really intensely it makes sense to match up to that tone or lower. instead hunter is trting to move on while isaiah is just obsessed fascinated with it like its fiction almsot. idk just . uggghhhhhhh

i could kust make a collage fo commwnts that made me like lose hope for humanity each time but i dontw anna dwell on annoying bullshit and commit it more to memory. like people are jusr… like there is some dark humor inherent to like calljng your mom as an adult on your show to have her back you up only for it to turn out it was way worse, but like the way isaiah kept laughing about it for so long.. like hecan laugh and joke like that at his Own traumas if he has them. just. idk. tgisn podcast like just. ugh its making me irritated tot hink abt explaining whats happening in it to people like go watch it with adblock on, im gonnaskip explainjng more and jsut say some feelings to the void that id rather like scream at someone about. i was gonna say scream at assholes in the commmebts but i actually want their internet connection destroted and for them to be forced to dismantle their phones and pcs and set them on fire so they can never speak again.

isaiah is coming off like such a monster. like, “””as a joke””” acting like an asshole is still acting like an asshole, i dont care anymore that hes actually probably rly well intentioned and ncie bc he jsut needs to stop being fucking rancid and a shitty cohost and friend. an honestly i cant even believe the “hes actually nice” shit anymore. starting tj feel hes been an ashsole all along and just pretends to be a good guy. like he takes too much joy out of excessive bullying to be a good person. like genuine just bullying, with no consequences. ppl are like “oh hunters fine with it bc hes putting up with it” like as if every single person alive Never has to put up and laugh along shit that bothers them. specially on what is essentially their Job. hunter barely appears comfortable and he does not dish back nearly as viciously- and we jnow hes capable of rly dark humor and banter too, on his own channel tje vibe is completely different but he has none or that edge with isaiah. while isaiah is literally like i wnan dox you please fans m*lest hunter in the meet and greet, i want this guy dead; isaiah literlaly makea such a huge deal every time hunter had a disagreeing opinion irs clear hes started to just not weight in when he doesnt like something, itd be one thing to make these super intense mean comments if hunter did them back but every time isaiah would not take or tolerate it when it was towards himself,; and honestly all of the stuff before had been like accumulating to be pretty bad but rhe latest ep with the dog story eallyi guess like crosses a line of like, this is just genuinely wrong and i dont care how mcuh the comments say its ‘parasocial’to have basic human empathy! youre watchint a guy talk abt having the family dog shot in the back of the head in front of him by his grandfather, only to then find out on air feom his mother the shooting had been intentional and his grandfatehr was actuallt a monster instead of a disabled man traumatizinf you by accident. like the ironic tragedy of him calling his mom to back him up on that ‘its not a big deal’ only for her to contradict him is funny on a cosmic sense, but like it is iust. not that funny dude. like isaiah kept bursting into laughter just thinking about it. oh is it too absurd for you to take seriously? do yoh just not give a fuck about how tour friend might feel? dude didnt even fucking ask. he didnt eveb show a sliver of care , sympathy empathy anything. he literally says “ill never let you live this down”. LIVE WHAT DOWN???? having his grandfather intentionally shoot his dog in front of him as a 7 year old child? like what the actual fuck is wrong with him??!! have like even a shred of respect for your cohost, like its all ‘as a joke’ but if you consistently ‘as a joke’ act like a cruel manipulative bullying person, im just gonna choose to believe youre actually just that person using “humor” as a shield to excuse your behavior.

like wtf. i was actually a fan of isaiahs chanel first and i didnt rly vibe with hunter that much and i wouldnt have expected, bc i woildnt enjoy watching an asshole, that isaiah wouldve turned out to be such a self centered horrible person. like its all funny TO HIM, i dont get the sense its enjoyable at all to be in that room when isaiah is getting all giddy and having a kick out of treating hunter like a punching back. yeah he probably doesnt mean to be actually hurtful but it doesnt look like the thought even crosses his satan spawn eyes that someone could have a different reaction than the one he was intends there to be. like i dont know hunter and idk if id even like him if i talked to him in person but it sucks qnr is horrible to watch anyone be treated that way consistently. like i wish creepcaet juet actually ended or isaiah learned how to not be shitty. i dont care if its not in his nature to not be awful he should just try to pretend to be a decent person for once. like i feel bad for hunter becuase it comes across like hes more stuck in the podcast than enjoying it and i empathise with struggling to leave “friends” who treat you like shit. and its like work too, i have no idea how much of a monetary and reputation loss it would be to leave. ppl are like “theyre adults they surely worked within themselves” yeah bc no adult ever has struggled or been stuck in a situation thats hard to get out of. honestly like yeah this is just a shitty podcast with shitty fans who just enjoy watching a bigger guy get bullied for no reason because they are probably mostly awful bullies in their own lives too hurting the people around them and i dont need to convern myself over what people who get a kick out of hurting others think.

i guess obligatory like. insane and unwarranted comment to the hosts bc no one is readingnthis let alone either of them but its like what if they read it and like felt x or y way in reaction. maube writing this will give me some semblance of peace

@ hunter: you seem cool and youre a really talented artist and naturally funny on camera/audio. i relate to having memories from childhood warped like that, and im sure/i would imagine that was the story told because it was far from the actual worst one. i think you deserve to respect yourself more, im sure being bullied is no skin of your back, im fat and ive been derided bc of it my whole life, from since i was 70kg and im 100kg now. its smth you get used to and it feels like not a big deal but on a fundamental level i thibk everyone deserves to respect themselves at least enough to not let friends treat you like shit to this extent. like i know banter and teasing is normal, butlike. its so excessive dude. it comes across like youre just stuck there and idk your financials and maybe you coulr be, ive heard of stories like that wrt youtube projects, and subversive animations arent loved by youtube’s revenue. heavy condolences if this turns out to be the case and hoping things can change. im sure it would be hard to quit anyway bc ppl would make such a big deal abt it. but if you are free to leave at anytime and you have freedom and are safe with isaiah,thank god thats great, get the FUCK out of there or get isaiah to stop treatiny you like shit cause you deserve better. if somehow you iust love beint berated like that i guess like each to his own too, i just hope youre doing ok juwt oj the basis of beint a fellow human being who appears to be in a legitimately shitty situation. if you are ajd im insane, thats fine too, id rather be insane than someone be suffering.

sigh

@ isaiah: i really liked your youtube vids. you seemed like a decent enougu guy. ofc like i dont actualyl Know either of tou, injust am human and relating on basic emotional levels based on the behavior you choose to display online. man. what the hell is wrong with you? if i expected you to actually read this i would be more polite but i dont expect a single soul to read this, really. like, man… i want to believe theres capacity of good and kindness in every person so surely you must have it, and if you do.. why are you acting like that. is being mean That funny? i love dark humor but ive never taken joy out of actively bullying people so i cant really relate but like, surely you can find otuer ways to have fun with your friend? im sure you think its all fine bc hunter wont throw a tantrum like you do but some people are actually way more inwards with their emotions and like you coild try to be a little more interested in how someone else feels when you bully them. “as a joke”. like maybe its not as funny as you think itnis, or they migut not be enjoying it like you do. i know its hard to stop when you want to talk but please try to stop interrupting hunter repeatedly after you clewrly mustve heard him adter the call delay? honestly, i thought you were a fine guy but now its like maybe youre just on a power trip, havint someone hostage to validate your opinions on horror and to bully for fun who wont talk back to you in a way thats actually challenging. since you love the sounf of your own voice so much you could do a solo podcast, you dont need hunter to be there as a punching bag in order to make a podcast. if you lvoe and care about hunter as a friend sincerely and iust have been totally by accident actint like a major piece of shit, id like want to hope for you to improve as a person in how you act and id want to believe thats very possible, but episode after episode its just.. like i dont give a shit abt dark mean humor i dont care if you call us in the audience pieces of shit or freaks or whatever, we’re not there talking to you, but hunter Is hearing what youre saying and is actually there.like id say for a christian you are extremely cruel but that is just ao on brand for open christians to behave that way that i honestly wanted to believe you would subvert that expectation, but it seems i was wrong. you know like i dont get this being mean as a joke thinf and neber have, i would say if hunter died tomorrow would you not have rather spent time with him in a positive way where he was loved instead of berated, but youd most likely “joke” that youre glad hes dead and that you didnt bully him enough. im not christian and i dont believe in heaven or hell but i know for you that youre most likely not seeing the pearly gates until you learn to pretend to be a good person to your friends. its probably not even smth you genuinely want to do or care to do but you could make that sacrifice of being nicer so the world is a better place while it has to have you here.

big sigh this isjsut hggggghhhhhh like a shame bc i love horror and i had enjoyed isaiahs youtube vids but , man this is such a disappointment. obviously i dont rly wana watch the podcast anymore butni like hunter reading and his voice and i would just hope for the best for him going forward, and the insane in my brain is like i gotta check it out maybe isaiah apologizes and acts like normal and nice without being rancid for once. even tho i know that wont be true bc it hasnt been for weeks since i started watching, i guess ill tune in for the next and if he foesnt shape up i’ll quit it. find a diff horror podcast or smth. makes me sad imagining hunter stuck in there. kike idk if hes even a good person like hes edgy on his own channel too but in general like he comes across like isaiah used to , lile someone who just seems fine and i havent heard anything saying theres smth horribly wrong with him. just on a basic human level it sucks to see people struggle and suffer. speciallt when its situations i relate and have been to. its been at least (uhh math…) damn 10 years or smth since an event that really stuck with me, where i was kust telling soem school friend abt my life at home bc we were just talking, and i relayed one of the ways my parents would beat me and how i was so scary, and she burst our cackling in my face. its a feeling that took a long time to stop having it sting in my head. she wasnt intending to laugh At me, or bc she thought beating children was genuinely good or funny, but to her the situation was so absurd it was funny. i can understand that on a detached level like if it wasnt real there would be some comedy timing to it. but instead i iust felt like a joke. like i was stupid, like it was this really funny ass thing, and i tried to play along, and it was like the fear trauma and pain that resulted from those events was a joke too. like i was stupid for having my life warped ny the abuse and it affecting me, because it was just so absurd and funny! like damn, i shouldve been abused as a child in a less absurd and funny way so people wouldnt mock me to my face about it. i guess i deserve it and its natural to be treated this way. until i met someoje who actually respected and gave a fuck about me and wouldnt make me feel that way i thoight it was normal and like i was fine with it too. i used to get bullied communally by my entire classroom for half of middle school and i thought those people were called friends too because id never been treated any better by anyone.

hgggghj i think its helped a bit to get it off my chest, maybe. man this sucks. i wish people would iust be nicer to eachother. life is so short, and some people cant even have the courtesy to not be tormented by people they call friends

[mazzystargirl]

ok living up to pinned post w some true confessions/dark secrets… so basically after i tried to kms in 2021 fall and went to the hospital i entered a really intense slut era and like started impulsively spending money and stuff too and i didnt have a job so i was like oh omg having a sugar daddy would work out really well for me and also i wanted to do things that would be like damaging or whatever idk why i did it rly. but anyway i engaged in some sugar baby behaviors. and then that winter break i went home from school and met up w some of my friends who ive known since i was a kid. now i have to give a little bit of context here cuz its important. so i have these 3 friends, one of whom ive known since i was 3 years old (N) and the other two since i was like 7 (S and J). and we all live in a very tight knit neighborhood/cultural community where mostly everyone knows everyone. and so my 3 friends parents know my parents. i guess you can see where this is going… but anyway i told them i had a sugar daddy or like it came up in conversation idk. and that was that. then literally the following AUGUSTTTT my mom comes to me and is like oh so some people in the neighborhood have been saying that you’ve been engaging in risky behaviors with older men and that youve been meeting them in hotels. so obviously i denied it very emphatically and tried to pry out who tf she heard that from and honestly i was like what like who could have even spread that and she said J’s mom told her and was lowkey rly cagey about it bc she didnt want to “break her daughter’s trust” and had asked other aunties about the situation like wtfff… and then i remembered i had mentioned to them over winter break so she must have fucking told her mommmm. i decided to assume best intent and chose to believe she was worried abt me and thats why she told her mom so i messaged her like hi did u tell ur mom abt this and i appreciate ur concern but i would have appreciated it if maybe u came to me directly and checked on me it would have been better and u lowkey hurt my feelings cuz now im stressed and anxious and don’t know whos saying what abt me etc etc. and then…

she fucking LIEDDDDD she said she didnt say anything to her mom AND that her mom didnt say anything to my mom!?? which i know is fucking bullshitttt 😭 like it makes 0 sense like if no one said anything is my mom just pulling shit out of the air and if she was how would she land straight on the money like that it just doesnt add up. so i was like um ok ?? uh have a good day. and decided to let it go and i lowkey don’t speak to her anymore and i told N and S that im not speaking to her but they can hang out w her if they want. and i forgot abt it.

but now i just moved back home after finishing school and its lowkey been eating away at me. it hurts me that she was my friend for 13 years and its all up in flames and i never got any closure or an apology or even her to admit or acknowledge the situation?? it hurts me to be at home worried abt what people are saying or thinking about me. i know i shouldnt care but what other people think of me bothers me. im not ashamed of myself and my choices but i don’t want other people to think less of me. i don’t want to reach out to her bc what if she doesn’t care at all about the situation ??? i don’t want to be like this has been eating at me forever and it really hurt me and her to be like what r u talking about i don’t think about you at all. she also just got into med school and im happy for her for real like glad shes doing well its just like. she hurt my feelings really bad :(

anyway if you read this far… what should i do 🥲 is the only path forward trying to let go… tbh i think i just need someone to validate my feelings like am i right to be hurt or is it all my fault and should i beg for forgiveness 😭 like my friend N got coffee w her a couple weeks ago and brought it up to me twice what does that even meannnn

[baladric]

🎺 for the WIP game!!

hell yeah hell yeah friend, it's just jazz baby

—

Some accounts would say it started in the gray of winter. That was when Mallory died, after all, and when the neighborhood went up in smoke, metaphorically at first, and then literally. Lotta ruckus, that. A good old fracasso, enough to make Puccini proud.

But though that was the fast-paced part, the scena with the life-or-death stakes, it’s the stuff that came down the line later that I’ve chosen to concern myself with. The second act, if you will, or maybe the sequel. Part two of the novel; the second installment of the serial; the antecedent arc of the radio drama. Because, see, I like to jump out the second story windows of smoldering clubs as much as the next fellow, but I like a love story even more. Especially when it’s a little messy.

Especially when it’s my own.

My account, then, starts here: A muggy night in late spring with the door to the Charles propped wide to tempt a breeze who’d set her mind to being fickle. Every seat full, smoke heavy in the dim, and us—me, Johnny and Q—meandering through some drowsy blues, more improvisation than charted melody.

It was a sleepy space, in that good sort of way that makes every brush against your senses into a lover’s touch, be it sound or scent, or the actual press of a loving hand to yours. An addled sort of evening, a dreamer’s fug, a sleepwalker’s fantasy—needless to say, I was halfway to tipped myself from the energy alone, and I was already of a mind to call it the perfect night when the crowd conspired to shift just so, and I clapped eyes on a face I hadn’t thought to see ever again.

It was a complicated face, made all of angles that caught shadow more often than light, and the eyes: Deep-set and intense in their focus. Eyelashes like feather dusters made strange bedfellows of the native grimness of the mouth, and waged a merry war with the creased brow and the premature spray of white in those lush, dark curls.

The glimpse was only that: A glimpse. But even in the low light, that was all it took. My breath had left me high and dry, and my only recourse was to knock back the final third of my glass to kick my heart pumping again.

Ira Sinclair.

Let it be said, for the record, that I do not typically go in for complicated white men. Complicated white men are a dime a dozen and barely a penny’s worth of fun, and mostly blind to their own cruelties in a way I knew not to truck with long before I knew there was anything to want from them in the first place. Nine times out of ten, I’d cross the street to avoid a complicated white man.

But see, where most of your men of twists and turns—your Odysseuses, your Raskolnikovs, your Kings Lear—where they like to point fingers at the consequences of their own misdeeds and call such torments “ghosts,” Ira Sinclair had something very different going on. That being: Actual ghosts.

ask me abt my WIPs >:3c

[j0jorocity]

THE CHRONICALLY ONLINE ROME FAN’S BLOG

HELLO! WELCOME TO MY LITTLE CORNER OF THE INTERNET!

I’m Iosephus! Here’s some stuff you should know about me before deciding to interact (byi list):

I AM UNDER 18! Under 12 and over 28 I would prefer not to interact with.

I use she/her pronouns and feminine terms but I guess I don’t mind masc and neutral pronouns and terms (link to my pronouns page)

I’m Hispanic (🇨🇺🇵🇪 RAHHHH) and I can speak English and Spanish just fine, though my Spanish isn’t the best 😞

I LOVE ROME SOKSSOSOOSOSSOSOSOS MUCH HES MY FAVOURITE EVER!!!!!!!! AND THE ANCIENTS!!!!!! And the rest yeah whatever

Hetalia is my main hyperfixation but I also like C*untryhumans. Please don’t block me I SWEAR IM COOL I LITERALLY DONT INTERACT WITH THE FANDOM AT ALL

IF WE’RE CLOSE I WILL USE MILDLY SEXUAL HUMOUR AND KMS JOKES (never kys). IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH WHAT I SAY PLEASE LET ME KNOW

I tend to be very straightforward with people who suddenly dm me, but I promise I’m not trying to be mean! :(

NOW, FOR SOME OF MY INTERESTS, FAVOURITE CHARACTERS AND ETC!

(In order from most hyperfixed to least, will also include my fave characters from each fandom and other thoughts)

HETALIA

Rome and literally all the ancients. I’m sorry I don’t care for the main cast but I like PruHun too

C*UNTRYHUMANS

IM SORRY OK IVE BEEN IN THIS FANDOM FOR FOUR YEARS I CAN’T

Anyways I like ch America but only in my head. Please don’t block me please please please I want friends

SPY X FAMILY

I’m rewatching the anime rn lol, in the future I might post about this more

LOID FORGER I NEED A LOID FORGER IN MY LIFE

COOKIE RUN KINGDOM

I started playing around Pumpkin Pie’s banner and then quit for like two years. Picked it back up during wind archer’s banner and I’m OBSESSED

I can’t choose my absolute favourite but I show more love towards dark cacao, latte and almond (as a ship mostly), advenberry, financier (my WIFE!!!), burning spice (recently developed a new obsession w him). Characters I wouldn’t call my favourites but I think are super cool are cream ferret, mystic flour, wind archer, smoked cheese, golden cheese, pure vanilla, lilac, dark choco, and peach blossom!! I don’t play Ovenbreak but I’d love to learn more abt fire spirit, millennial tree, and yogurt cream…… user is sanestaphromefan on dark cacao server

Less intense interests (that I might repost but not talk about) include:

Octonauts

Wild Kratts

Carmen Sandiego (2019 Netflix ver)

JJK

Epic: The Musical

This list may change

IF YOU CAN’T TELL I LOVE TALKING. BUT THERE’S SOME PEOPLE THAT LIKE CERTAIN THINGS THAT I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO!

My DNI list:

General criteria

BIGOTS. HOMOPHOBES, TRANSPHOBES, RACISTS, MISOGYNISTS, TRUMP SUPPORTERS, ETC, DNI.

PROSHIPPERS AND JUST PPL WHO LIKE PROBLEMATIC SHIT I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH 😭😭😭😭

(This includes, but not limited to: USUK, Itacest, Germancest, SPAMANO, CANAME/FRANADA/CANUK, SovReich, AND BURNINGCHEESE/SHADOWVANILLA/MYSTICCACAO, ANY BEAST X ANCIENT SHIPS. To be completely honest I GUESS I can talk with proshitters BUT DON’T FUCKING BRING THIS SHIT UP AROUND ME I HATE IT SO MUCH I DONT WANT TO HEAR PEOPLE DEFEND THESE SHIPS)

People who use brainrot humour 24/7 and are generally just annoying. Get a life.

PEOPLE WHO DON’T RESPECT OTHERS OPINION, KEYBOARD WARRIORS, ETC.

Artists who twinkify Poland more than he is 😭

May add more to this later since I’m forgetting a few things

YAY! You’ve almost made it through my intro post! Here’s just a last few tidbits about myself and then I can shut up 🫶

I HAVE A BAJILLION ANCIENTS HETALIA OCS (like less than 15 💀) AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE TALKING ABOUT THEM PLEASE ASK ME ABT THEM AND I ALSO WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ABT UR ANCIENTLIA OCS IF U HAVE ANY!!!

I have another blog for said ocs, @rometalia ,,, it’s a bit dead rn bc I’ve been busy with school :(

I’m open to all asks!!! But please nothing inappropriate I am a minor AND NO POLITICS 😭😭

My favourite hetalia ships are gerrome (OTP but it’s different in a way in my head. Talk to me about them I dare you), PruHun, SwissAus and amepan! I also like spaus and FrUK. Some ships I’m kind of on the fence about are rusame, rochu, generally any russia ship and most America ships but I consume and repost fanart of these ships just because I like the art!

My favourite YouTubers are Uncle Roger, Nick DiGiovanni and Guga. I love food and I kinda wanna become a chef in the future ☺️

Trying to beat the art block allegations day 37273627

MY BESTEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD IS @fertaine !!!! I LOVE YOU MY POOKIE WOOKIE BEAR!!!!! FERTAINE HATERS DNI DNI DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT APPROACHING ME I AM THEIR NO.1 FAN AND DEFENDER

My gerrome side blog is @j0jorocityisntokay

If you see me reblogging from a proshipper (USUK and Spamano especially in this case), please let me know! I most likely didn’t know they supported these ships.

Almost forgot to mention, but here are my tags!

#jojo reblogs -> self explanatory

#jojo rambles -> me yapping or answering to asks, idk

#aph jojo rambles -> anything related to hetalia, so probably headcanons or whatever lol

#rome posting -> self explanatory

#flippity fart farmland posting tag -> me talking to Fern ☺️

#jojo’s art -> updated once in a blue moon I hate my art

Will add more as I see fit

THAT IS ALL, MY FRIENDS! I HOPE TO HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME ON THIS WEBSITE! 🫶

(The dividers that aren’t red roses belong to @kostevysen )

[wrongcaitlyn]

okay…so…we don’t judge for special interests here right…? cause i am very VERY intense with mine.

so my question is…have you ever thought about solangelos kids….

CAUSE I HAVE

I don’t have all of the lore sorted out rn but i know that they have three kids the first two are girls and the last is a boy.

but with their first daughter…i sort of have some of her stuff sorted out i mean it might change but…

SO (if you don’t mind me infodumping i just NEED to know someone else’s opinion and i have no other ppl who won’t think i’m crazy.)

first things first. Her name is wysteria (just a dif spelling of wisteria cause it looks cool) Bianca solace di angelo (or di angelo solace i can never decide…)

she has tanner skin and freckles but nico’s brown eyes and wills blonde hair. her hair is pretty dang long and sort of whispy almost like taylor’s at the start of her career. (also i find it funny if she were to just have the horrendous mash of an italian and southern accent lmao)

most of the time i imagine her she’s like 16-ish. she’s very kind and caring like will.

she’s either aroace or a lesbian or both i can’t decide yet-

she likes dresses over other clothes (we don’t judge a girl who knows what she likes even tho that’s a stereotype)

and her main powers are sort of a combination of hades and apollo but she more specializes in the light and dark aspects of the two gods.

SO she has really good light manipulation powers and can blind people and if she tries REALLY REALLY HARD she can make it a tangible object she can step on. she also glows cause idk it’s funny.

BUT she also has amazing shadow bending powers. she can again blind people but with obscuring their vision and she is MUCH better at shadow travel than nico is since her specialty is shadows. she’s not very great at the other hades aspects tho. she gets tired after like 10 jumps where nico gets tired after 1. so she normally fights by reaching out to the shadows and pulling them around herself and then zipping around the enemy and teleporting away before they can get to her. it looks very cool from afar. her main weapon is a stygian iron sword like nico’s but it looks kinda different and has some gold aspects. (hazel got the gold for her)

she loves music and to sing (ehem headcanon that she sung a version of nancy mulligan for one of nico and wills anniversary’s ehem)

but she is great all around and i love her even if i’m the only one who actually thinks of her existence.

help i just yapped so much very sorry but lmk your thoughts!

WE DO NOT JUDGE HERE (that'd be so hypocritical seeing as im the one who got so obsessed with nico being a popstar that i wrote 200k words and counting abt it..)

to be quite honest, i haven't! i guess that in my head i kind of will always picture them sort of as like 15 year olds, bc that's how they are in canon and i also always see them younger as me, so i don't spend that much time thinking about an aged up solangelo (despite the fact that they're nearly in their twenties in talk your talk, wow) but!!! i love this hc omg!!!

i love wysteria first of all😭 my mind automatically goes to the lakes, and i just think that's SUCH a solangelo song so ofc i think that's a perfectly fitting name!!!

personally i'm a fan of solace di angelo bc when you put it into google translate, italian -> english, it means "angel's solace" (and i know that google translate is far from accurate, but i just find that so cute <3) but also my brain says make it alphabetical order (so di angelo solace...) either way both are great!!

(also i find it funny if she were to just have the horrendous mash of an italian and southern accent lmao) YES. YES. THAT'D BE HILARIOUS. i just imagine that like some words she would pick up from nico with an italian accent, and then some from will with a southern accent, and then those blended together in a sentence would be so funny😭

i loveee diving into the light manipulation powers. i find it so nice to see the things that nico and will have in common and how they could work together with those powers, i think they'd be so powerful (and also it'd look really sick)

i love this!!! thank u so much for sharing :)

[highoncatfood]

updated version of my music taste diagram. tell me this makes sense

tried so hard to find sth else tht would fit in the middle better but ive got nothing tht i listen to enough for me to consider it part of my taste, so harley poe was the only choice but it is kind of a reach..

the other overlaps make so much sense in my head tho

nelward has the same funky, unconventional instrumentals as lemon demon but with the drums' sappy love/break up song lyrics and feel to it

csh and the drums r SO similar in both their delivery and melodies and instrumentals in general but cshs lyrics r often more upsetting and they express emotions better, which black dresses r so fuuuuuucking good at. they both also touch on topics of like. living in a shit society/the fuckedupness of the world i guess. plus queer struggles obviously

diet tea other cola gives me black dresses vibes bcuz its usually super chaotic but sometimes makes these sudden instrumental switches to much calmer melodies; but also the literal screaming and coughing and wheezing and other various noises they both do. lol and song titles too; and it reminds me of lem dem sometimes cuz of unusual/specific subject matters/making a whole song revolve around one thing i guess

and harley poe is like. its punk and touches on dark/gross topics in a blunt enough way to remind me of black dresses; the way they sing abt (past) lovers/relationships makes me think of the drums and csh, tho here its much more uhhh intense in a different way. and then lemon demon - similar themes of and references to supernatural/fantasy/folk stuff and culture; especially reminds me of older lem dem like hip to the javabean

[hidefire]

gonna put some general notes for my bg3 au for rain under the cut here! some details may change when I start my actual run for her later, it’s been a while since I played the game ok

following a similar story to the dark urge but making my own changes to fit rain’s lore. shes bhaalspawn, not sure if she ACTUALLY is, or if she was taken as a baby after someone becoming aware of her potential, but either way, that’s how she was raised.

blah blah was going to take over the world and the other big 3 were mad and wanted to have her killed and shit. I’m saying they almost succeeded, and rain being handed over to the illithid by Orin thinking she would die.

rain loses her memory, wakes up on the ship, and from there, follows the path of the dark urge. though her memory loss is due to extreme trauma, and is her brain trying to get her out. it doesn’t want to remember and doesn’t want to go back.

I think what likely happens is rain finds the rest of the party and spends a good amount of time at the grove adjusting to things and helping take care of her group. she only decides to keep moving forward because she feels compelled by the kindness of the tieflings at the grove, and she begins to feel connected to the party. so she wants to save them. but there is an intense fear with going back to baldur’s gate

she will jump to murder but isn’t trying to kill people in her sleep and doesn’t have something literally possessing her. it is just this fear of the entire world, basically. I think that the little hat guy does appear at times and try to get her to do stuff but it doesn’t rlly work.

she does not really care abt an overarching GOOD or EVIL, she more just cares abt the people close to her. that’s what drives her decisions.

uhhhh something here about rain having a lot of instincts of an abuse victim and her memory beginning to slowly come back and there being some amount of conflict but this is shockingly the first time in her life she’s felt actually safe sooooooooo

yeah the decision to her is incredibly obvious and all of the conflict is internal with her fighting habits and what she was grown to think. after the first day or two, she does NOT want to kill anyone and doesn’t even consider it. sorry guys ://

[schizosupport]

Hi!! I dont know where else to go but im suspecting i may be on the schizo spectrum? Or at least just wondering way too hard. And i have no where to look into more trustworthy specifics besides brief nformation about the common disorders (that i dont really think i fit into at all btw but then again im undiagnosed with everything so im forced to rawdog it and come to conclusions on my own) and no where to find information about specific symptoms that can be overlooked as "normal behavior"

I have psychosis and its been like this since 2018, slowly growing, getting more intense i guess especially during a traumatic event that happened a few years ago *really* increased my delusions. Thats the only primary thing i experience i believe, but now looking back i am unsure if i experience some level of hallucinations as well like thinking im seeing flies n such fly around me trying to bother me or bugs crawling near me in the corner of my eye. Though it may be because im sleepy or something as i like to stay up a lot! And maybe because ive dealt with annoying flies one too many times that im just paranoid abt dealing w them now.

this thought has been on my mind for a while (mainly speaking in terms of hallucinations) but recently i saw a post on twitter about someone asking if other people "have intense fear of monsters or the dark" before going into deph about how her brain is constantly afraid of her life will turn into a horror movie. Like "what if a zombie breaks into my house" and her brain imagining scary scenarios that genuinely terrify her when she does anything. And reading that sounds very familar to something ive experienced even to this day, esp if im alone at night or alone n looking into another room thats dimly lit.

I really do understand her fear of closing her eyes n seeing scary scenarios. Ive noticed ive weirdly been seeing stuff too, mainly faces and eyes that i would see when watching analog horror and it *really* terrifies me and makes me think that ive somehow spawned it in real life (esp if i think about it too much)

Sorry if this is too long. I normally do this when im rly stumped abt whatever brain thing i got n no google search can help me. I guess im just lookimg for some insight. Thanks! <3

"Also forgot to clarify that the person is recently discovering/coming to terms with that shes schizospec too so thats why upon reading that im pretty much going "....huh!" Bec this implies this may not be normal (i mean of course not but. Never really bothered to say or think anything about it until now)"

Hi there anon! I'm glad you're reaching out, and I hope I can help you a little on your way!

What you're describing, intense fear of hypothetical scenarios and "closed eye hallucinations" are both things that I can definitely relate to as constants in my life. I don't have enough information from just this ask to say whether your experiences are full blown delusional/psychotic, but regardless, it sounds like it's taking a toll on you, and have been getting worse. It's common for this type of experience to worsen with stress, so it's no wonder it worsened when you were going through something traumatic.

When I first talked to a psychiatrist about some of my beliefs, they wrote something that I later found kind of interesting, that some of my beliefs were like those of a scared child. As if I had never quite learned how to regulate that type of fear and my imagination would get the better of me. I don't know if your experience is anything like that, but from the way you described it, I thought that might be relatable to you.

The line between fear, anxiety and psychosis can be hard to define. One thing I've learned is that most people with "pure anxiety" are not having anxiety about bizarre or paranoid things, but about more mundane matters that have been blown out of proportion. But obviously there's variability. But I remember when I met my partner of now... 9 years ...? I wasn't diagnosed with anything yet, and we were both like "yeah I have anxiety" and thought we knew what the other meant by that. And then they were confused when I was like "yeah I'm anxious that the spirit of the lamp will steal my soul, and that people are putting poisoned coins in public spaces". But like the anxiety was similar, it's just that the things I was anxious about were odd, I guess.

Anyways, I'm rambling, sorry!

About the images you get when you close your eyes, that is most often described as a type of intrusive thought, and I've also heard people call them "closed eye hallucinations". I get icky and scary images like this sometimes, and it can be really distressing.

I hope your symptoms don't get worse, and I hope you can feel at ease knowing that no matter the exact cause or name, you are definitely not alone with having these experiences, and they are common experiences for people on the schizospec and people with some other related difficulties.

And if you find that you relate to the schizospec experience, there's space enough for everyone, and you are welcome here. Even if you don't fit any specific disorders or you conclude that your symptoms are "sub-clinical" or more related to something else, I believe in an open door policy and I think anyone with this type of experience can benefit from spending time in/with the community, and can bring unique insights to the table themselves.

I don't know if I'm making any sense, I'm super tired today, but yeah that's my two cents I guess ^^

Edit: It might give you some insight to look into other symptoms associated with the schizo-spec, like negative symptoms, cognitive symptoms and ipseity disturbances :) I think that will give you a stronger idea of whether you are likely to relate to most of us 🌼

[redswaberkez]

NOW CAN I HEAR UR HCS FOR P1 AND P2? >:)

NHGRRRR STRAINIG MY BRAIN our hcs also kinda same buutt anywayyyyy

there is kindaa a longread sooo

P1

- Among all dudes only P1 and sch.. sc.. SHTOPOR were at war (p1) or served in the army (shtopor (airbone)) - has sufficient paramedical skills due to military service - his hobbies are playing guitar and singing. Punk-like singing. Grunge-like singing. Not even singing, I would say SCREAMING - he doesnt understand almost all jokes. And if hes trying to make a joke probably its gonna be dark as hell\unfunny\scary\obscure or dad puns*tm (rare) - "You cant sleep now. Monsters are nearby" - can speak german - "Demonic voice wont shut the fuck up. Please help me." - P1 is very diff in comparison to other dudes. He is so serious. He is the one at party who stays in the corner (meme ref they dont know that [...]) - scary mask amd skary voice is only a cover. Deeply inside he is very gentle and caring. But nobody knows this. - He IS an antihorny. He HATES nudity - my todays dream is revealed that he has Cain (like cain and abel ykno) vibes. Im not joking. It was in my dream. and Im gonna stick to it. I DONT KNOW BIBLE THO!!!!!!!!! my mom just once mentioned cain yesterday AND HERE WE GO - he struggles with religion SO MUCH. (im not gonna explain it rn. im doin a fcking comic on it) - Hes always on the verge of a mental breakdown. But he perfer to not think abt it and go VIOLENT that let his true emotions out - migraine survivor - imo he is a cleany one, and his own hygiene is GOOD, altho he doesnt use hairbrush that often. - "Gifted but lazy kid" in the past. "Academic perfomance flew off. You need to show him to a doc. He Could If He Wanted To." - p1 doesnt smoke or drink. He actually doesnt do all these unhealty stuff - oh GOD LORD am NOT your STRONGEST SOLDIER😭

P2

- Can you gib me an ibuprofen. My head are exploding rn (literally) - homophobic bisexual - lit had married his wife cuz he didnt know his bi and thats the reason why their marriage is SHIT - postal dudess (i dont like word doe :/) is his younger sister - he would kill for her and she would kill for him. I love them sm. - also has struggles with religion, but less intense than p1, p2 actually solved them later (gonn explain it laterrrr) - his organism is a fucking garbage but somehow his addictions doesnt damage him that much. - stinky rat. Shower? more like shower of deodorant AHAHSHAH - Hes always perked up, always joking and funny and unfunny, horny, shit, sarcastic etc jokes. - His language is Sarcasm - "im gonna кмs in front of them just to switch trajectory of their lives LMAOOOOO" - Also Lazy Gifted kid*tm - "Evil as weekend entertainment)" - Would like to play drums - p2, p3 and shtopor would drink together - His sunglasses is his trademark, he doesn't go anywhere without his sunglasses. - AND OF COURSE he has his own OPINIONS ON EVERYTHING. Even if hes wrong. He is stubborn as fuck. You can't argue with him. - He can sleep literally anywhere. Even in a ditch (he did). And you cant woke him up. - The three S bingo*tm - stupid sadistic and suicidal - Jack of all trades, master of none - He is very private, when it comes to touch, altho he has a touch starvation - therefore ^ his love language is touch and tactile connection

Idk for now thst all 😖

[starredforlife]

frost, fireside, cider, orchard! 👻

hiiii bradley !! <3 thank you for the ask!!!

frost - if you could give some advice to your younger self, what would you say?

take up a hobby sport to stay fit!! swimming or soccer or smthn. convince your parents to only speak to you in spanish so you keep it better after south america. if i'm in high school i would honestly try to re-prioritize from getting excellent grades to more animation/art/friends and self-care focus. i was in a v intensely academic high school track that ultimately helped me very little. and i would tell me to get in a little more trouble. i was a very boring teenager and i would've survived with a dash of idiocy.

fireside - if you had your dream wardrobe, what would it look like?

SUCH A GOOD QUESTION ughhh um!! and very difficult to answer!!! a lot of my dream wardrobe to me feels like i need the per-requisite of getting and staying fit. and i shouldn't believe that but also a lot of fashion trends do not favor the wide hipped mascs lol. past that insecurity, i really do like v simple/classic stuff. i don't have big fashion ambitions. i am going to wear a black tshirt and jeans and a belt and boots as often as i can. accessorize with some silver jewelry. ideally i'd own a lot more cool jackets (leather, aviator, canvas, vests) and i'd stop being a WEENIE abt putting art and patches on them. more bigass dark boots. i love my fingerless leather gloves and i want to get more. i'd get a couple more piercings and tattoos too! and then for formal stuff i'd get some suits (not like tuxes but fun classy suits), dress shoes, watches. mmmm and then i hate summer clothing bc i hate wearing shorts and dresses so i need to grab some shitty cargo shirts and tank tops. i like cosplaying as someone much more competent and manual than the full-time cartoon artist i am kdslj

cider - a food that you disliked as a child but now enjoy?

im a comilon i like a lot of food but i v specifically dislike fish and strong cheese and i still don't eat either but i'll tolerate cheddar or parmesan in small amounts now

orchard - share one thing that you’d like to happen this autumn.

camping tripppp i need to get out of my house and see the stars under a bonfire and touch grass so bad oh my god. also a concert if i have the time. maybe hozier :]

autumnal asks (these are so good pretty please ask me <;3)